spokesperson

Fungus

2009-11-21T12:19:30+01:00

I declare 2009 to be the year of the mushroom.
They are growing wild everywhere round here - bursting through at the roadside, in the middle of meadows, next to my concrete drive, standing alone, or in circles, straight lines, wavy lines...

I wish I knew which were safe to eat because I would be eating well...

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Tragedy

2009-11-20T16:21:05+01:00

Did you see that hearbreaking story about the man who killed his wife while he was asleep?
He suffered a sleep disorder and dreamed she was a burglar, and killed her.
Turns out he was a truly devoted husband, and at the end of the trial when he walked free, most of the jury was in tears.

It really is stranger than fiction.
I can't even imagine what he must feel like now.

If he's awake, that is....Sorry!

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Jordan

2009-11-20T11:44:57+01:00

It's time to give Katie a break - have a kit-kate, or something.
She must have known she was going to be the star of the show, I'm A Celebrity, but I expect she thought the novelty would have worn off by now.
Do you think she keeps getting all these trials because people just want to gaze upon her loveliness, or because they actually hate her and want to see her suffer?

Either way, I remember being talking to a taxi driver about the celebrities she had driven round town, and she unhesitatingly said that Jordan was the nicest, most natural, most charming celeb she had ever met.

Personally, I'd rather see someone smug, like Justin, have his feathers ruffled...

I'm going to miss it tonight, so let me know how it goes, won't you?!

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Attraction

2009-11-19T18:46:29+01:00

I have always been attracted by women who look me in the eye when we're talking.
That's my first priority.
After that, a range of factors come into play...
But today, for the first time, I found my eyes drawn towards one woman in a fairly quiet restaurant, because her skin just seemed to glow.

Physical attraction is a strange thing.
If I had more blog friends, I might be tempted to do a big survey on what men and women regard as the feature that attracts them the most.
Maybe it would open all our eyes!

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Spread happiness

2009-11-19T12:45:59+01:00

Go to edwardmonkton.com/player and watch his film 'the pig of happiness'.

I love it, and hope you do too.

(it is also on youtube)

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Complain

2009-11-19T11:18:49+01:00

I don't like to complain, especially if people in the north and scotland are getting deluged by rain at the moment,
but I'm sitting in my home office with my cup of coffee, trying to do some work (?) and the sun is in my eyes.
How unfair is that?!

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Evil

2009-11-18T18:36:53+01:00

I am usually immune to spam.
It's so predictable - bank accounts you don't have that you need to sign into urgently; exotic lovelies from the darkest reaches of Swindon who are in love with you and want your body (for scrap?); fantastic offers for cheap stuff from China... and so on.
But today I got one which was headed 'Job Offer: part time" and I just instantly hated the person who did that.
Who knows how many vulnerable people, short of money before Christmas, would be tempted to open that message and no doubt get fleeced or their computer wrecked by a virus ...
I am not a violent person, but I really think I would be forced to punch that spammer's lights out if ever we met.

There!
I feel better for blogging about it.
And, by the way, this is genuine, not spam!

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No, no, no!

2009-11-16T19:38:53+01:00

The latest lunacy is that Britain is now going to have to import millions of tons of timber from overseas, to burn in what are meant to be environment friendly biomass power stations, which will, incidentally, have quite low output.
This means that the price of wood will go up, and more importantly it means that any environmental benefit of burning wood to generate power will be lost by the lunatic cost of transporting the word across the world.

A spokesperson for DODI (Department of Daft Ideas) said: "We are now considering trying to meet our environmental objectives by setting power stations on fire and inviting local people to boil their kettles on them."

I suppose it is too much to expect that anyone will allow wind turbines to be built within a hundred miles of their property, but I suspect if I put one up now, my house would be glowing so much it would be visible from space!

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I'm A Celebrity

2009-11-15T18:09:34+01:00

Well, it starts tonight, and I confess it is the only reality show involving celebrities that I ever dip into.
I find I can't watch it for more than half an hour, but there's something strangely attractive about it.
It's far more entertaining than Strictly Come Dancing and I refuse to watch X Factor because it is the absolute pits.

But at least with Ant and Dec's show you get an element of 'reality' and it can be fascinating to watch the interaction between the characters.

In short doses!

My hope is that the gay interior designers try to get off with George Hamilton ...

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Dubai

2009-11-15T11:54:08+01:00

Anyone know what it is like there?

It looks fairly gross from what I have seen.
But it does seem to be selling itself well as the place to be.
Suddenly there is a Dubai Boat Show, and a Dubai Air Show (what??!!), and the world's tallest building, and a watersports paradise in the desert.

But it all seems so artificial, and if anywhere has the potential to be renamed White Elephant City, maybe Dubai is the place.

I should go and make my own mind up, really, shouldn't I?

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Storm poetry

2009-11-14T20:14:21+01:00

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Shakespeare, Sonnet 116. On a stormy night like this, it's nice to know that love conquers all.
Have a peaceful evening x

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Progress

2009-11-14T12:02:19+01:00

There's great excitement about the fact that water has been found on the moon.
NASA's missile attack last month exploded a deep hole and chunks of ice flew up into the air.
So there is now talk of it being possible to colonise the Moon.

A spokesperson (that's me) said: "We think bombing a planet before moving in is the polite thing to do. Now we're looking forward to dropping off a few hundred skip bags, sand and cement, used KFC cartons, and some fag ends, just to make it feel like home."

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Fashion question

2009-11-13T17:55:21+01:00

Is a man wearing a cardigan a complete turn-off?

I confess to owning one but my doctor says he thinks he can cure me.

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Blog sperm

2009-11-13T16:43:47+01:00

Tell me it was a joke ...
A fellow blogger offering to sell his sperm this weekend.
No!

I just saw the post and my google(trade mark) eyes nearly sprang out and bumped into the monitor screen.

A spokesperson said: "Would you buy sperm off a blogger you'd never met? I mean, you don't know where it's been, do you?"

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Moderation

2009-11-13T11:35:03+01:00

My mum used to always believe that moderation in all things was the right way.
And yet I see lots of people who obviously share that view, and don't seem to have a life.
They're the people who never take risks, never get silly, never misbehave.
And while there is some merit in that, I can't help thinking I'd rather be like me.

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Listening, a bit

2009-11-12T20:42:10+01:00

Very few people really listen, do they?

I notice it particularly at work.
It seems that, in pre-arranged meetings, everyone has already made their minds up about what they are going to say, what their opinion is, and what outcome they want.
And yet, time after time, a good alternative view is put forward.

Unfortunately, it is usually delivered by someone who is not as confident, and the argument is hedged with possiblies and maybes, and usually ends with the apologetic words ... 'it's just a thought'.
The assertive ones acknowledge the very good point that was made, and then ignore it.

We all say what we think, but some say it more confidently, and I think the world would be a better, fairer place if the meek really did inherit the earth!

But I don't suppose meek politicians and business leaders would survive long, would they?

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Rabbits

2009-11-11T22:44:55+01:00

I put up a rabbit proof fence today to protect some particularly precious roses and shrubs.

But I bet the buggers are even now evolving into pole vaulters.
While I'm sitting here tinkering with my Macbook, they're out there, plotting ...

Not that I'm getting paranoid about them.

No way!

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Silence

2009-11-11T18:22:24+01:00

I wonder if two minutes silence every day is not a bad thing.
There's something about the atmosphere it creates, and the stillness is very beneficial.
The reason for the silence each year on this day is compelling, but I do think it would be good practice for all of us to have a few moments of private thought - particularly because the world is so crazy.
You hear so many people saying, I never get time to think!

Two minutes silence as part of a coffee break ... I wonder how popular that idea would be?

I can think of several people where I work who would find staying quiet for ten seconds a major challenge!

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Diary

2009-11-11T13:49:34+01:00

My diary is filling up, and for once, I don't mind.
I'm in a busy, social type mood.
I have these phases.
Sometimes I only want to be quiet, but that's maybe only to give me the energy I need to get out there.
So the weeks leading up to Christmas are fairly full, and I have cleverly (he said modestly) put big crosses against the first week of January so I can start the New Year chilled out.

I sometimes wish I was a non-stop party animal, but I never have been, and anyway, I prefer being myself.
It's much healthier!

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Rest in peace

2009-11-10T13:29:13+01:00

A Brazilian bricklayer turned up at his own funeral, sources tell me. His family thought he had been killed in a car crash, but he surprised them by arriving at the funeral just in time before they buried someone else.
A spokesperson said: "I only wish someone would invent Tippex for gravestones."

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Bad start turning positive

2009-11-10T10:03:07+01:00

The pathetic whining noise of a reluctant engine, the grey damp morning air, the clock counting down to the start of work ...
and yes, my bike wouldn't start this morning.
But because I live in a remote area, it would take forever to get to work, so I am working from home today.
Not blogging.
Working.
Not drinking coffee or making another round of toast.
Working.

In perfect peace, with my dog at my feet.

This could just turn out to be rather a fantastic day!

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Apple blight

2009-11-09T19:50:30+01:00

So, the Apple iPhone is under attack from its first ever virus.
An Apple spokesperson (that's me) said:

"There's no need to panic. We are opening Apple hospitals all over the world, where all the staff wear white, all the patients have to wear white, and if anyone bleeds, we throw them out. We advise customers to dress nicely and bring their iPhones (suitably dressed in cases supplied by us on the Apple Store - only £35, or 25 dollars) to the accident and emergency department."

So that's all sorted then.

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Chaos

2009-11-09T11:46:01+01:00

Is it just me or is the world in a state of permanent chaos? People just don't seem able or willing to communicate about the most basic things - unless it's coffee and biscuits, of course!

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Foodinnuendo

2009-11-08T17:18:40+01:00

One of the most blatantly sexual advertising promotions was the legendary Cadburys Flake ad on tv.
They managed to put the sex into chocolate, but they haven't quite managed it with fruit and veg, have they?

A spokesperson for the fruit and veg industry announced a new advertising campaign...
"Two satsumas and a cucumber respond when a scantily clad girl walks past slobbering over a banana."
Well, that's enough of that, I think.

I don't think this will catch on, but if everyone is so keen on us all having five a day (or is that another foodinnuendo) perhaps it's time for advertising with imagination, if not sex appeal!

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Clear out

2009-11-08T12:03:52+01:00

I feel the need for a clear-out of possessions.
I look round and see objects, clothes, gadgets, that I just don't need or use.
And Christmas usually means the acquisition or compulsory receipt of more of the same, sadly.

If I'm honest, I could then probably rip out most of the cupboards, and still have more than enough to get by.

It's not that I'm even a hoarder. But how I ended up with so many shirts, I will never know!

Call it an early, or late, spring clean.

But on this grey Sunday, a bit of feng shui is called for. I seem to remember one of its principles is that you should not leave shoes or slippers lying around near the main door of the house, so I'll start there.

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Big Lottery win

2009-11-07T17:57:22+01:00

Two British people have won £45 million pounds each on the EuroMillions lottery.

A spokesperson (that's me) said: "We are all looking forward to being really friendly with them, and the money is completely irrelevant. They plan to spend their money on sweets and chocolates. And a holiday in Morecambe. So there should be plenty left over for hangers-on
their new friends."

They won so much money that EuroMillions has now been renamed EuroPence.

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Time for a rest

2009-11-07T16:13:13+01:00

I smell of bonfire.
My shoulders are aching.
My face is dirty.

But I've cleared a load of space on the hillside and I've had great lungfuls of cold fresh air.Now I need a hot shower, a mug of tea, a hunk of cake, and an hour with a book before it's time to walk the dog.

A spokesperson said: 'Hope you are having a good day, and enjoy the rest of your weekend!'

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Beyonce

2009-11-06T18:56:45+01:00

Religious leaders in Egypt have branded Beyonce's show, which opens her world tour there tonight, as nothing more than an 'insolent sex show'.
Spokesperson (that's me) said: 'I only paid them ten dollars each to say that, and they've been more than willing to help me sell tickets.'

And just to prove how wrong they are, here is a picture of Beyonce warming up for her Girl Guides benefit concert...

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Old age crime

2009-11-06T14:05:45+01:00

Avon and Somerset Police detained suspects aged over 70 for offences including loan sharking, possessing an automatic weapon and conspiracy to murder.

Information released under the Freedom of Information Act shows the force arrested 200 men and 23 women in 2007 and 2008.

A 99-year-old was the oldest person to be held, for an allegation of house burglary and theft, without violence, while a 92-year-old was also arrested for giving a positive breath test.

A 71-year-old woman was arrested for conspiracy to murder, and an 80-year-old woman on suspicion of causing grievous bodily harm.

Spokesperson (that's me) said: "No-one can accuse us of age discrimination, can they?'

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Good days

2009-11-06T11:27:25+01:00

There are days when everything seems to go just right.
Today is one of those, I think.
I felt positive and energetic when I woke up, and I feel motivated to get on with things.
It might be the two measures of Bushmills I had last night, but more likely the strength and fitness that is building up from my hard work on the land.
There was a tv programme called the 'good life' - I think I'm living it now, and it feels ... well, good!

Hope you have a good day, too.

And now, to work!

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