spokesperson

When the Pope met the Archbishop of Canterbury, the conversation went something like this ...

Archie - Why do you keep trying to nick our followers?  Aren't you getting enough?
Pope -   I resent that. I may be celibate but at least I'm not ugly.

Archie - You're coming to Britain next year.  Where do you fancy going?
Pope - I wanna play the machines on Bognor seafront.

A spokesperson said: "It is comforting to know they're just human beings, like us."

I declare 2009 to be the year of the mushroom.
They are growing wild everywhere round here - bursting through at the roadside, in the middle of meadows, next to my concrete drive, standing alone, or in circles, straight lines, wavy lines...

I wish I knew which were safe to eat because I would be eating well...

Did you see that hearbreaking story about the man who killed his wife while he was asleep?
He suffered a sleep disorder and dreamed she was a burglar, and killed her.
Turns out he was a truly devoted husband, and at the end of the trial when he walked free, most of the jury was in tears.

It really is stranger than fiction.
I can't even imagine what he must feel like now.

If he's awake, that is....Sorry!

It's time to give Katie a break - have a kit-kate, or something.
She must have known she was going to be the star of the show, I'm A Celebrity, but I expect she thought the novelty would have worn off by now.
Do you think she keeps getting all these trials because people just want to gaze upon her loveliness, or because they actually hate her and want to see her suffer?

Either way, I remember being talking to a taxi driver about the celebrities she had driven round town, and she unhesitatingly said that Jordan was the nicest, most natural, most charming celeb she had ever met.

Personally, I'd rather see someone smug, like Justin, have his feathers ruffled...

I'm going to miss it tonight, so let me know how it goes, won't you?!

I have always been attracted by women who look me in the eye when we're talking.
That's my first priority.
After that, a range of factors come into play...
But today, for the first time, I found my eyes drawn towards one woman in a fairly quiet restaurant, because her skin just seemed to glow.

Physical attraction is a strange thing.
If I had more blog friends, I might be tempted to do a big survey on what men and women regard as the feature that attracts them the most.
Maybe it would open all our eyes!

Go to edwardmonkton.com/player and watch his film 'the pig of happiness'.

I love it, and hope you do too.

(it is also on youtube)

I don't like to complain, especially if people in the north and scotland are getting deluged by rain at the moment,
but I'm sitting in my home office with my cup of coffee, trying to do some work (?) and the sun is in my eyes.
How unfair is that?!

I am usually immune to spam.
It's so predictable - bank accounts you don't have that you need to sign into urgently;  exotic lovelies from the darkest reaches of Swindon who are in love with you and want your body (for scrap?); fantastic offers for cheap stuff from China... and so on.
But today I got one which was headed 'Job Offer: part time" and I just instantly hated the person who did that.
Who knows how many vulnerable people, short of money before Christmas, would be tempted to open that message and no doubt get fleeced or their computer wrecked by a virus ...
I am not a violent person, but I really think I would be forced to punch that spammer's lights out if ever we met.

There!
I feel better for blogging about it.
And, by the way, this is genuine, not spam!

The latest lunacy is that Britain is now going to have to import millions of tons of timber from overseas, to burn in what are meant to be environment friendly biomass power stations, which will, incidentally, have quite low output.
This means that the price of wood will go up, and more importantly it means that any environmental benefit of burning wood to generate power will be lost by the lunatic cost of transporting the word across the world.

A spokesperson for DODI (Department of Daft Ideas) said: "We are now considering trying to meet our environmental objectives by setting power stations on fire and inviting local people to boil their kettles on them."

I suppose it is too much to expect that anyone will allow wind turbines to be built within a hundred miles of their property, but I suspect if I put one up now, my house would be glowing so much it would be visible from space!

Well, it starts tonight, and I confess it is the only reality show involving celebrities that I ever dip into.
I find I can't watch it for more than half an hour, but there's something strangely attractive about it.
It's far more entertaining than Strictly Come Dancing and I refuse to watch X Factor because it is the absolute pits.

But at least with Ant and Dec's show you get an element of 'reality' and it can be fascinating to watch the interaction between the characters.

In short doses!

My hope is that the gay interior designers try to get off with George Hamilton ...